One Year of Loss, but I’m Just Not Ready…

I just wanted to take a few moments to explain where my heart and my head are this week.

On Wednesday, August 6, 2014, it will be 1 year since my husband, Chaz, passed away.

I’ve seen it referred to as a “deathiversary.” But I do NOT like that word. I’ve just been calling it “the 1-year mark.”

Obviously, the past few weeks have been extremely difficult. And as this impending week began, my emotions have been running haywire.

As I mentioned in my post The Truth About Young Widowhood, I want to be open and honest about life as a young widow. But I am really struggling to find the right words to describe how I am feeling as this milestone approaches. I’ve been debating about what I wanted to do or write for this blog but nothing seems to truly fit what I want to express.

And maybe that’s because I’m just not ready.

Despite the fun I share with the kids, the projects I work on, or my methods of turning a negative into a positive, this new life is still agonizingly tough. I have a constant hollowness in my chest, and I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. Each day, I battle sadness, guilt, anger, resentment, stress, anxiety, and so many other emotions from losing Chaz. On top of that, I have to attend to the matters of every day life, like caring for the kids and going to my job.

It. Is. Exhausting.

So, when I say I’m not ready to write something monumental for the “1-year mark,” it’s because it is still just TOO MUCH right now. WAY too much.

Since I’m not able to write an incredible, thought-provoking post full of heart and meaning regarding this, I’m planning to do a series of posts specifically about widowhood during the month of August instead. I know, it probably sounds like a super fun series to read! (Please sense my sarcasm!) But I believe what I plan to share will be really helpful to people out there. So stay tuned for that.

Then, to balance out all of that “fun,” I will be finishing up a few summer bucket list updates, hosting another giveaway (maybe even 2!), and continuing to share ideas for Acts of Kindness! It’s going to be a busy month, but staying busy is just one way that I cope!

Lastly, I just want to let you know how much I appreciate you helping me grow this blog. Every like, share, or comment makes me feel awesome. Thank you SO MUCH for reading.

And that’s just a little bit about Me TODAY!

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5 Comments on "One Year of Loss, but I’m Just Not Ready…"

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Sarah Ann
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Praying for you, Sarah, as this date approaches. May you feel the love of God and others surround you on that day and always. You are a true inspiration and I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability so much! I am blessed by your life and the way you have turned tragedy into triumph!

Susie
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Always in my prayers and heart but especially now as you relive the events of a year ago that turned your life upside down.

Joanna Grzeszczak
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You are awesome. Keep doing what you do, and life will get easier .. I'm sending you lots of hugs !

Jennifer Humphries
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I am so very sorry Sarah hugs and prayers for you as you face this difficult 1 year mark.

Sybil Brun
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Oh where to begin? If my head is spinning with all the things I'd love to be able to write in response, I can only begin to imagine how much your head was spinning thinking about writing a post to mark the one year point! Dear Sarah, I would not be ready either and am so glad you've given yourself permission to just be where you're truly at. No facades or false fronts needed. I am